ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Cool shirt 🙂
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.