[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*sewing*
A thread
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
same energy
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?