It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.