THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I want this so bad
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?