Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
You Might Also Like
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.