Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi