me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.