*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot