My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up