Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem