*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
You Might Also Like
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse