Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My blood type is coffee.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.