(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I remember when things only cost an arm.
These work great until they don’t.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.