[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
You Might Also Like
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Duolingo getting serious.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people