The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math