When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I hate my earbuds.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Batman v Dracula
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?