Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
A woman drives into a bar.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?