[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
What about second breakfast?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”