Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
awkward