Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.