Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
🖤✌🏽
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.