{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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PARKOUR
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Choose your fighter
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me