Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW