Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average