Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
No Google it does not
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there