I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
cause of death:
autopsy.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.