When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
i dont have time for this
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.