Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Its true…
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song