$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
best review i’ve ever seen
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]