today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.