Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse