[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You know…for fall…
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]