You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I wanna be friends with this person
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Just say no
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…