“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Lmao 🤣
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.