ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A double negative is a big no-no.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.