I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.