Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When news reporters do sports stories
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.