guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
How I like cutting carbs
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best