DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You Might Also Like
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Pat is about to own someone
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore