It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
i want to work in this restaurant
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The French cow says MEUX…
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.