I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.