WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.