when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
You Might Also Like
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
what it’s like dating me:
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer