A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Can’t. About to go please some beans
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
We are the people our parents warned us about.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.