[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
bugs when you lift up a rock
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.