I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
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Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
LOOOOOOL
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
But that’s none of my business
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.