me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Bed should get ready for ME
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted