if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”