a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
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Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice