People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER